Thursday, October 24, 2013

Like a reactor.....

Okay, I’m an official slacker. No really I just plain forgot, got busy etc. It has been a weird few days. But I’m just going to plow ahead. My heart feels heavy today and I’m sure it has to do with a multitude of things.

For starters on Monday I felt crappy, stayed home and just rested and piddled around. Tuesday, Emily had a band contest that I was a bus sponsor on. Done it before and have enjoyed it. But this time it just didn’t seem right. I mean the band did great; Jim got to go watch her, which was good. But there was one thing right after the other. And to feel unappreciated, treated like a child and chaos…..ugh. As some of you know I’m a reactor. I tend to react before I should, say things before thinking them through and most of the time react before I get all the info. I try so hard not to be this way. To sit back and get all information but like I said it is a weird time right now. After the band performed the get a “debrief” and things got confusing of who is on what bus, when they are leaving etc. Then to be told by the Vice President of the booster club to not talk while the band director talks so we don’t disturbed the kids in a tone like you would a child, was the last straw. I didn’t lose my temper although in an email the following day she said tempers where lost (I’m going on the pretense she meant herself) but I still reacted instead of just waiting. I wasn’t the only one that felt belittled by her reaction. But had I waited it probably would have been better. Again the whole day was chaos…..I’m a reactor, a fixer, a resolver. 

Yesterday wasn’t much better. I had Elliott’s IEP at school to change his category from not only DD (developmental delay) but to add the suspected Austism for the Asperger’s. Of course with all the issues going on with his teacher and not agreeing with her, the inconsistencies of communication, and the lack of communication I was a donkey on the edge. I didn’t explode but I spoke my mind and in the process…..made the teacher cry. Thing is I feel bad but I don’t. My gut tells me this teacher is a fit for him although or psychologist says she think she is good for him but more than likely we won’t like her. And that is probably true. But I had to get off my chest of the things we were experiencing that were contradicting what was supposed to be happening. I’m not going to go into detail. Nothing changed I just got to speak my mind and I tried to do it with as much respect as I could. But I still reacted. I apologized to them was told it was good to let them know how I was feeling and even the psychologist for the school said never to apologize for anything when it comes to being an advocate for Elliott. But still, I reacted.

But last night I didn’t react. When Jim got upset over a situation before church, I didn’t react. I was quite. I let him rant and speak his mind and then simply said….you can’t control people and their actions. You can’t make them conform to yours. I’m sorry they don’t show the respect you think you deserve (and probably does). Then I remained silent. And you know what? He was calm when he got home where before they might have been tense. 

And today…..things are going alright. I don’t want to be at work or at least not this work that I’m doing right now. Last night I finished decorating for Halloween (yes I know it is in a week) and you know what I ENJOYED IT!!! I love decorating my house being creative. I miss not taking the time to be creative. And I need to take them time to be that. I read an article in the Parade this past Sunday about how people are reverting back to handmade crafts and having a creative outlet. I need to tape back into that. Problem is I have so many things I like to do that I just can’t narrow it down to just one. But I think I need to react to this outlet of creativity. I need to react to things I enjoy and let the rest fall to the way side……

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A Second Chance

 I have had my fair lot of second chances. Even my marriage is a second chance. This is our second marriage for both of us and we have been married almost 16 years now (together almost 19). So I would say that was a good second chance. Heck there are even things that warrant a third and forth second chance. Even Maggie got a second chance of another family.

There are some things in life that you can't do over but you can improve on. And there are somethings you can't get back or a second chance or a do over. And that is time. Time with the family, time with your children, experiencing their firsts, seconds, etc. Watching the band practice for the umpteenth time. All important milestones. You don't get many second chances.....

It is important to me more and more every day that I be there for my kids in every way I can be. I feel a strong urgency to do so. But it always hasn't been the case. I've been pretty selfish in my life even when it comes to my kids and my hubby. That has all changed recently. And as we take steps to change somethings in our family life I'm realizing more and more, its okay not to do those things I once was so passionate about. I'm not saying not to go out and be your own person, do your own thing. I'm just not going to go out for every thing that I was did. I guess you could say my passions have changed. Half of me is disappointed and half of me is excited for this journey in our life.

Some of you know that our son has Asperger's and ADHD. Next week his IEP changes at school to include the Autism Spectrum. Meeting him you wouldn't think he is anything other than a high spirited little boy. And for the most part he is as well as an exceptional story teller. But you don't get to see everything we do. Its our normal and it almost comes second nature to us. He is so much a joy and blessing and finally we have a new team of doctors helping us. Just the other day I was thinking how blessed we are to have them in our lives, especially our one physiologist. Because we are getting a second chance as a family. She is helping us with our perspective of Elliott, how we should work with the school system (instead of being defensive, Mom), how we should change the way we do somethings at home that will not only benefit Elliott but all of us.

My level of expectation is high, like it is with most things in life. I need to learn how to relax that level and enjoy the process and ride. But it is hard. So when she told us to establish weekly dinners again, my mind starting spinning with all the family things I want to do and expect. It didn't go as talked, as planned but it was a step in the right direction. I'm so looking forward to the changes we are making, to the second chances of being the best family we can possibly be and I don't want to miss a thing.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The 15th day of Opportunities

The month is half way through. I don't know if you are like me but it doesn't seem possible does it? 70 days until Christmas which means 77 days until the end of the year. Wow! Of course right now I'm excited that we only have about two weeks of marching band left. Now don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoying the time but it will be nice to have that slow down a little. I know she is thinking the same thing too.

I sit and reflect a little about how this 31 day challenge is going. Well, I'm about average I think. There are somethings that I've been working on and some that need some more work. But hey, aren't we always a work in progress?

Today I start in a support group with a wonderful group of women. Some I've known for many, many years and some not as long. The point of the group is not only weight loss but to support each other. It is more like an improvement group because not all women need to lose weight but may be they have other areas in their live that they need to improve on and just need that little bit of encouragement. I started the group, created a Facebook page and posted before pics. I've never posted before pics of myself. I've taken them but never shared them outside my hubby. I didn't like what I saw.

So here I go again. Back on the road to improve myself. I'm not new to this. I know what to do and what not to do. I do have will power when I want to and I am a stress eater when I want to be. I have struggles with my weight, my image for as long as I remember. I want to stop this back and forth, to and fro I do. I know the risks, I see it in my family. I'm a witness to their arthritis, there heart issues, their blood pressure issue, their medication. I know. Yet, I go through this almost every year. I try real hard, do real good for a while and then something happens and I walk away. I give in to temptation, I have excuses, I bend the rules. I find easy.

This journey is no different than any other journey. Everything takes work. Marriage, parenting, outside jobs, spiritual walk and even weight loss. I am and always have been a determined person. I'm not sure why I struggle so with my weight, my self image. It isn't something I want to pass along to my daughter, although I see her struggle as well. It isn't something I want to dwell about all the time. I want it to be natural. I want it to be self accepting.

I have this opportunity to lead a group of women that do not judge me for my flaws. They accept me, they encourage me. We support each other through various issues in our lives. We have each others back. Today I'm going to embrace a gift God has given me. For the next four months we will each work on our own area, rather it be weight loss or not. I have short term goals and long term goals. I also would like to go ahead and get my personal training certification. Something I've always wanted. Something I'm good at, like to do. I find joy in encouraging others and I know I'm pretty good at it. So I will try in December. And who knows what type of opportunity that will bring my way.

A Few Days of Opportunities

Well I owe you a few days of posts. I meant to post a picture a day but that didn't quite workout that way. There was So here is a recap of days 11-13....
Beautiful ain't it. We have gone camping the last several years. Rather it be in a tent, trailer, RV or cabin. This year we went to Robber's Cave in Southeastern Oklahoma. This wasn't our first choice but it was closed due to the government shut down. Although the trip had a few bumps in the beginning we ended up having a great time.

It was a wonderful time that went a little too fast. I wished I would have had one more day. But I will take the days I had. Being somewhat unplugged (sorry for no post). Getting to see all the stars, sit around the camp fire, go exploring and just listening to my kids talk and play.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Should haves......

“Understand this my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” James1:19

I wish I had seen this earlier……I woke up angry though. Well that might not be true. I went to bed upset, had weird dreams and really didn’t wake up in a good mood. But I could have changed it. I could have choose to work through the situations instead I got upset. I didn’t react to people, I just reacted and it turned a situation that was already tense into a tenser situation. And you know what the reason why I got upset ended up being okay in the end.

I've always been a reactor although over time I've gotten a lot better. As I've gotten older I've yearned to be that quite little woman that didn't speak her mind, show her emotions, etc. Nope not me. I'm opinionated, aggressive, passionate, you name it. But I have found myself lately, waiting. Not always but more and more. Waiting and silent. Its new for me and even I'm shocked by it.

Like Saturday at Emily's band contest, typically I would be all over every where butting into conversations being the center. But not Saturday. No I did a lot of standing, watching, listening, reflecting on conversations. I helped when needed but for the most part I was just there. Now I did do my fair of talking but I never really started conversations and never interrupted conversations either. And I liked it. I was calm and relaxed. I was there for my daughter. I got to experience it all instead of being stressed over a conversation or this or that.

And even today as I look back on yeseterdays events and even when our dog ate Emily's band shoes, she was calm. Not to say she doesn't get worked up either. She was calm. And I so admire her for that. I should have taken a lesson from her and remained calm. To take the scripture as is. Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. And may be I wouldn't be so stressed. I so want to be less stressed about situations.

I want to learn how to use my passion for the better. To have words to share with meaning in good and bad situations. And I know starting the day with the good book can help with that immensely. I should have checked my email on my phone first to get my scripture. I should have......

And I should have posted this yesterday, slacker!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Ketchup Day 5 and 6

Okay so today is going to be a "ketchup" day. I slacked over the weekend. Too much, too much. But let me give you a replay of what happened. Not say I didn't have good excuses. Probably the main excuse was just plain exhaustion.

Saturday, day 5 was spent like this:

My daughter is a freshman in her first year of marching band. We did good. Placed third in our division for prelims and 8 in the finals. Not bad for a band that is heavy with freshman this year. This was probably by far the best experience of the weekend. A very long weekend but I wouldn't change anything about it except for her not feeling good. There is a time prior to them going over for warmups where their director gets them in focus. This was the first time I witnessed it fully. He plays music, talks them through a visualization routine and then they get their plums in their hats prior to going over. No one talks during this time. The kids have a mixture of excitement, fear, focus......such an intense time. You can just feel all their emotions. I found myself right there with them every step of the way. And then both times they took the field I found myself tearing up. Not sure why. This isn't Emily's first or last performance. Probably just so very proud of her. Of her accomplishments. And so very moved that she wants me there. That is the icing on the cake. She seeks me out between times, wanting to be there. Its nice.

Sunday, day 6 was spent like this:
 She didn't play keeper this time but you get the picture that we had a soccer game. And if I had thought about it some more I would have not had her play. We didn't get in until 2:00 am and it was a 12:30 game. Plus with her not feeling good it doesn't make a good mixture. But the team did good and placed second overall in the tournament.
The rest of the day was spent running errands, grocery shopping and preparing for our camping trip. By last night I was exhausted but still didn't end up sleeping well. Oh well, two more days then we are on our trip. Hopefully, I will be able to get some rest.