Sacrifies are good!

Sacrifice, goals and life seem all to go hand in hand. If you are a planner, like I am, you plan out details, you do your research, you make a log or detailed plan all expecting for it go like it should. Then life happens.

I have been doing (aka “racing”) since 2008 when I got the bug. Usually every year I do several events, some years more some years less. Last year I trained for a half ironman distance race, so I think in total I did 8 events. This year I pledged to do 18 races with my friend in honor of her mother who is an ovarian cancer survivor.  I decided at the beginning of the year that I wasn’t going to do any long triathlons; in fact all of the duathlons/triathlons with the exception of one were to be done as a team. I had every intention on completing one Olympic triathlon by myself, I even wrote my training plan for it, got all pumped up for it (mostly talking myself into the fact that I had to swim again) and then things started falling apart.

Really they started falling apart prior to this but I was kidding myself that I could handle everything. Well guess what boys and girls, this girl was drowning quickly. Everything became a struggle. Something had to give. I’m not going to go in too much detail on here what has happened lately. Let’s just leave it is we have had to make some alternative child care arrangements because of some coping issues with my Monkey Boy. Things in my life right now are revolving more around him and family than me. That makes me sound like a selfish person in the past and probably to some my life seemed to be more on the selfish side. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and husband tremendously but for too long I thought what made me and defined me is my accomplishments or certain type of accomplishments. I thought, and have a hard time with not thinking that I would be liked unless I did certain things. Totally not true and if people think less of me because I’m changing priorities than I don’t give a rats booty, really I’m too old and life is too short to give care what people think. But I still struggle with it.

So get to the point, really? The point is, I’m taking a step back from racing and training hard. I’m still going to complete the 18 races that I pledged; we have about 6 to go. I’m not going to do the individual triathlon, even though I could possibly do the sprint. Training for three events is just too much for me right now. And in all honesty I’m so okay with that. I like triathlons, I like duathlons but I’ve been enjoying lifting weights again. I’ve been enjoying just running although I am going to get back on my bike again to add some cross training. But I can get to the gym to lift, I can get out and run, I can even get on the trainer with my bike. I can get things done before work or at lunch time, leaving the evenings for family time. And even if we do go to the gym it is short/sweet and Monkey Boy can hang in the child watch some.

I’m actually excited, relaxed, relieved etc about this next phase in my life. I think it is only going to be good for our family, good for monkey boy and good for me too! I still have my goals for a healthy lifestyle; I still have strength goals so that isn’t going away. I’m just making scarifies to better me and my family’s lifestyle. I’m hoping as well to blog more. Just more to get the jumbled thoughts out of my mind than anything, but keeping my blog going is something I’ve always wanted to do just haven’t always made it a priority. Also my blog might be a mesh of a lot of things so take it or leave it!

A journey to peace

I’m a talker, shocker I know. I’m very animated with my hands and body when I do talk. Let’s just say I’m a mover talker or talker mover, whatever. Our son has ADHD and we have been having a rough patch lately trying to figure out what is going on. But as I was explaining to my girlfriend last night the trials and tribulations we were having and even this morning when I was talking with a co-worker…..is he getting it naturally. I often over speak to people, meaning I talk right over them, finish their sentences. To some they deal with it because they are much the same but to others it is offensive or irritating to them. My hubby would fall into the latter category. Anyway, a thought popped in my head as I was conversing that the poor kid comes by it naturally really because sometimes I talk so fast, go off on bunny tangent trails, interrupt to make sure I don’t forget the thought, etc. that even I am exhausted from the conversation afterwards. Most days lately, that I’m going 90 mph in 100 different directions, spinning my wheels at the same time getting nothing done or accomplished, even being forgetful at times. It is starting to affect everything. I’m trying to find my peace with everything. I’m trying to give everything over to God because like many I pick and choose what I want God to have control over. Sound familiar? The one thing that I want most in life….is peace, peace within and peace on the outside.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know there are trials and tribulations that everyone faces. You don’t say if they will happen but when they happen. Or at least in my life I do. But what I want is to be able to go okay we will deal with it, and for the most part I typically do. It might be tearful statement but in my heart I truly feel everything will work out. I just want to know when or how or both. Doesn’t always happen that way you know?

You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with anything or with the name of my blog for that matter. Well I need to do some soul searching so to speak. At the beginning of the year I decided that this year was going to be a year of soul searching. A year to find myself again, to find what is important in my life and rid myself of those things that aren’t important or may be just prioritize them differently. I haven’t been as thorough with this as I should. I lack a lot of discipline in some areas and I’m a pretty disciplined person so that bugs me. I want to be better. I need to be better not only for myself, but for my family as well. You know if Momma ain’t happy no one is happy.

So this weekend I’m going to do some reflecting, some praying and some planning. I know there will be some things that will be a process and there will be things that I can change now. But I’m on a journey and for at least the moment it brings me peace.

Struggles

Struggles, we all have them. I can’t think of anything in my life that hasn’t been a struggle at some point. Think about it. We struggle as newborns to get out of a tight space to see the world. Often life ends with some type of struggle rather it be cancer, illness or dementia. And along the journey the in between is a struggle. I’m sure all of us can think of several struggles that we have had to overcome, break through, pray through or just deal with throughout our lives. Right now, everything in my life seems to be a struggle. Life at home is a struggle, life with my kids is a struggle, my weight loss journey is a struggle and my job is a struggle. I’m getting no breaks what so ever. It is what it is. But let me tell you my friends, I’m growing weary of these struggles. Now don’t get me wrong in thinking that I want my life or expect it to be perfect or a bowl of cherries because I don’t. I know every struggle is a learning process or at least that is what I’m telling myself. Or better yet that is what I want. I want to learn from each of my struggles.

Last week and this week has been rough, stressful, worrisome, tiring. I have felt like a Mac truck has hit me head on several times these days. My eating hasn’t been stellar. I have skipped a few workouts because I "felt" tired. I don't like feeling this way. I like to feel happy, be happy etc. Of course I know it can't always be happy go lucky sunshine filled days but man am I tired of the trucks running over me.

I know what I need to do. It has to do with control. Nobody ever likes giving up control and it is something I have to continuously do. But I'm working on it and today I actually woke up not totally drained. I'm hoping it continues

I had an itch.....

I tri, rather I do triathlons or have the past few years. They’re fun, hard work but rewarding. But I have a confession, I hate the swim portion. I’ve been told when I state this that I’m not the only one yet hundreds of people year after year train for anything ranging from sprint to Ironman distance triathlons. Stroke after stroke they swim trying to improve their endurance, their speed whatever it is all to be part of the triathlon realm. Eh, I would rather stick a thousand needles in my eye (not really that would hurt) but no I on the other hand avoid getting any training in the pool or open water unless I absolutely this year, which it turns out I don’t have to do too much swimming. Yea me! Seriously though, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into triathlons. Why do I continuously torture myself into thinking that I enjoy the swim, even remotely? I have such a mental block again it. I don’t want to get in the water to train. I would rather spend a day biking 5 hours or running 4 hours than swim for a measly 30 minutes. Really! So I should just stick with duathlons. The thought of training yourself to run then bike then run again is challenging to me. And the best part, I don’t have to swim and that gives me warm fuzzies.

Why is this relevant? Well, the other day I caught myself getting the itch to complete another half ironman distance in the fall, on my birthday to be exact. So I poked around to some of my fellow girls that trained with me last year asking them their plans. All of them said, nope not this year. But one reply that made me stop and think was, “No, I have other priorities this year”. Stopped me right away and made me go hmmmm. Don’t I have other priorities this year? Well yes I do. So why on earth would I want to through ironman training in? Crazy! Why do I want to do another half ironman? Because there are those that live, eat and breathe triathlons and think doing anything else is stupid? Or is it because I want to? Nope, not because I want to, in fact if you asked me right now, I have no desire to do another triathlon. At least not right now. No I have other goals and/or priorities this year. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m doing an Olympic triathlon in the fall as my “A” race. All other triathlons will be done as team liked planned. But I don’t have to swim until September, well I guess I best at least get in every once in a while to make sure I don’t drown…….priorities, priorities…..

I got nothing......

"True joy is that which gives us more energy and makes us feel more alive." - Robert Puryear

I stole this quote from a fellow blogger http://seemomrunfar.blogspot.com/ To say she is slightly less than amazing isn’t doing her justice. Anyway, I believe that everything happens for a reason. And more and more so I believe that it is God’s hand not just “chance”. I am hearing his voice more. So it isn’t a surprise that as I am perusing around blog land and I see her latest post about finding joy. Today isn’t a joyful day in my world. I’m not going to go into why, sorry. But I will say my joy is gone today and I have absolutely no energy. No energy to fight the cravings, the crying, the lack of discipline…none, zilch, nada, nothing.

It has been a long time since I have felt this way. I have worked hard for the last three months on not comforting myself with food or beverage (alcoholic or not) instead of comforting myself with prayer. Hard believe me. I gave in this morning, again, second time this week, to my wanting to be comforted by food. Krispy Kreme donuts. Twice this week my joy has been sucked away from me. I have been able to recover and turn around both days but the fact that I succumbed not once but twice tells me that I still have a lot of work to do.

I truly believe you should do things that bring joy into your life and cut strings with those that don’t. If you can’t cut strings then you must find ways of dealing with those things that drain the joy and energy right out of you. I have been working hard on myself, trying to better myself not only physically but spiritually as well. I want peace. And I have been feeling pretty peaceful lately. Today hit me like a MAC truck. But I refuse to let that MAC truck drag me behind it. No I’ve been praying. Praying that God will somehow, some way take care of this, do something, anything. I can’t handle this truck by myself. I need the strength of God to keep me from dragging behind this truck one more mile. I don’t want to live in a life with no joy. Life is too short and I have too many things to be thankful for!

It will get better I know. And I mean it will all get better. If not then I will just become a truck driver…..

It is my Honor

Honor defined by dictionary.com means: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions; a source of credit or distinction; high respect, as for worth, merit or rank; high public esteem; fame; glory. Honor means a lot to me.

Throughout my life I have been honored in many ways. Honored to be a daughter of a Vietnam Veteran, honored to have served in the Air Force, honored to have a wonderful family and friends, honored by receiving various awards and recognition, honored by God to have the ability to push my body beyond its comforts zone at times. So this past Sunday, I ran a half marathon here in Oklahoma City. It was the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon, a run that honors the memory of the 168 souls that were lost on that fateful day in April 1995. I’ve ran this race in various distances the last five years mostly in relay teams with my friend “aka The Champ” who is an ovarian cancer survivor. She finished her last round of chemo just three days before the race. On Sunday I laced up my shoes and ran with her daughter, our 8^th race of the year, 13.1 miles. Several times throughout I held back tears thinking of how strong of a person she is, wishing she was running with us like she had planned. She is an amazing woman, friend and human being. Cancer is ugly but she has not let it take her down. Her spirit is catching and inspirational. I am honored to run 18 races this year in her honor.

The race went very well, started out humid with mild temperatures and a threat of rain. It was wonderful to see over 27,000 people line up to do something so honorable. There were firemen running (walking) with full gear and one soldier who carried 168 pounds on his back in honor of those fallen. We held a steady pace through the majority of the race; I encouraged my friend when she needed it. Prayed silently when I needed it and for her as well; pushing up and over hills as they came. Some call me sick because I actually like the hills, hills are our friends – I especially loved Gorilla Hill. At the top of it there is a huge banner that says gorilla hill and a huge inflatable gorilla. Then there were several people dressed as bananas, loved it!

 Anyway, it finally started raining on us at about mile 8. It was very welcomed at that point. Shortly after mile 8 the male marathon winner flew past us. That was cool to see the police cars leading him down the street because at first I thought their sirens were because I was in the oncoming lane, ha. I loved being able to run next to my friend encouraging her when she needed it, being quiet when her looks told me to, pushing her when I knew she could dig a little deeper. We walked toward the end when it was needed and we shuffled to make forward motion. At mile 12 the overall female marathon winner passed us. We both commented on how that gave us chills, very inspiring. Finally we turned onto the home stretch keeping it steady knowing we would make it.  Finally with the finish arch in sight she yelled “Ok, let’s go” we sprinted to the finish crossing together! I was so proud of her for digging deep and finishing, with a very respectable time of 2:40:24. We missed our goal of 2:30 but I don’t think either one of us cared. Again I was so very honored to have run with her.

When my friend called to tell me her Mom had Ovarian Cancer it hit me like a brick wall. I decided I needed to do something for her. Knowing how she enjoyed running and how I had paced her in her first few races that dedicating my year of racing to her was the right thing. So I decided to run one event for every week of treatment she had to endure. It is my honor. The 8 races out of 18 completed so far have not been for me. Every mile ran has been and will be for The Champ. Every mile biked has been and will be for The Champ. Every meter swam is and will be for The Champ. So when they handed my medal to me I didn’t put it around my neck as expected. No not this time. This time it was my honor to hang it around The Champ’s neck. It wasn’t my medal to receive.

Since Sunday I’ve done a lot of thinking and reflecting on this. Too many times I have laced up my shoes, rode my bike, swam my laps, and participated in a variety of events selfishly wanting a PR or to place ahead of a fellow athlete. I can’t explain the feelings that I have had so far this year. This year isn’t about me and I can’t tell you how liberating it feels. No pressure really. No, this year is about honor. This year is to honor a true friend. It is my honor after all.

Feeling like a Yo-Yo

What do you want in life? At forty is it too late for me to ask this? Is it too late to change or make a change? If you ask some the answer would be yes. But why? Because you as an individual are scared, it’s risky, I’m comfortable, I have familiarity and the all time excuse, what if I fail or I’m no good? Why as a society have we put so much pressure on every single thing we do? We are designed to be responsible, make money even if it means we are stuck in a place that we are so unhappy at that it takes all the will power we have to just get out of bed in the morning. I’m not saying this is where I’m out, but I feel misplaced. I feel an itching to do something different. What could this mean? A job change, a hobby change, is it a total life change? What can I do about it?

No matter what is going on in my life, I always come back to lifting/health/nutrition. I remember when I first got into lifting. Like many I had gained weight, one of the bad parts of this though was I was in the military at the time and if I didn’t pass the physical fitness test (weigh in, etc) then I could be put on a mandatory weight loss/PT program. Not fun. Plus it was a black mark in your personal file. Anyway, I had come back from Germany to visit my family and really didn’t realize how much weight I had actually put on. I’m not real sure why I had gained weight. May be being apart from my family for the first time in 21 years, may be being in an unhealthy relationship, may be the job I was doing. There was probably a whole list and now after 20 years I can’t remember. I started off my doing step aerobics 2-3 times a week with a great group of women. I then hired the instructor to be my personal trainer and the rest is history. After losing all the weight becoming toned and looking hot, I then turned toward body building. I’m lucky in that I can gain muscle; I have muscles to begin with. So I dabbled in a body building contest. Now that I look back, I see the errors I made preparing for the competition and may be one day I would do another one. After that I went onto power lifting. Loved it! The point is I love lifting! I love all aspects of weight lifting, I love pushing past my limits, seeing how heavy I can go. To me, lifting = power and who doesn’t love power?

Since being out of the military, the last 16 years, I have not only yo-yoed on my diets, weight loss and physical challenges, I’ve yo-yoed in my life. Only recently have I seen the success in my life, not the mistakes and sometimes failures. Working on myself worth every day. I have completed my college degree and got my masters. I have a wonderful husband and two terrific kids. I’ve changed jobs a few times and I can say there are many aspects of each job I’ve had that I immensely enjoyed. What I like the most is helping people, project management, training, research and documentation. So how can I package all this together to something that I love doing every day? I will find something……or better yet something will come my way, I just know it.