The scale rocked my world today

Things fell apart when I lost weight 5 years ago. I let the world around me take over. I forgot who I was, where I came from, who loved me. I fell hard. I almost lost everything. Since then it has been a constant struggle with my relationships, with myself. I’m scared. I quickly gained weight back that very year I hit my goal weight. I’m not quite sure how much weight but I’m pretty sure at least 20 pounds, the next year 10 more and the next, well you get the picture. And now 5 years later, I’m back to what I started out at 6 years ago when I started that journey. Sure I’ve tried to lose that weight every year. I start out with great ambition, knowing I’ve lost before, believing that I will be able to do again. I get about 10-15 pounds in, I hit the magical number of 180 (give or take a pound or two) and then I hit a brick wall. It’s almost like my body knows and it puts the brakes on like a screeching train going over the tracks.

Today I stepped on the scale, 211. My head started screaming, my heart broke and even now as I sit to write this tears threaten to come pouring out. Clothes don’t fit or those that I can actually squeeze into bulge, and squeeze in places I don’t like. I sent a text to my hubby 

                Me: “I officially cannot fit into any of my pants”

                Hubby: “I am sorry. I have faith u will get thru it”

But instead of wallowing too much I have picked myself back up. I reached for my “Made to Crave Devotional” and started reading again. I had left off around Day 6 last month. So I’m going to do a brief “catch-up” and continue forward.  I obviously need more help with this than I have in the past and not from just a trainer either.  I’ve never really thought of Jesus helping me through this but why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he wants what is best for me? May be I am still holding onto all of this and that if I just let it go and let it be…..things will work.

So here is a recap (This is from the Made to Crave 60 Day Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst

Unsettled – oh I feel so unsettled right now. I feel like everything is out of control. But allowing His touch to reach the deepest parts of me…..Goodbye to my remnants, my justifications, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am….nor who I was created to be.

What if I let God down? – When I don’t have peace physically, I don’t have peace spiritually. I can’t separate the two. Nor should I……never thought of it this way before. I have always thought of them to be two separate entities not related, one not having anything to do with the next. 

The Right Questions – Define ourselves by our obedience not a number on the scale. We are never supposed to get should satisfaction from our looks. Our looks are temporary; if we hitch our souls to this fleeting pursuit, we’ll quickly become disillusioned.

Consider It – “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds” James 1:2 Every time we face this moment of temptation, or we are tempted to stray from the commitment to make healthier choices, it’s a trail. We must consider it! Our feelings may be a true indicator of what we are facing, but they don’t need to dictate our decisions.

Blessings Ahead – The path of perseverance. Perseverance means having an urgency, firmness, resolve, and consistency. Protection – this trail may be shielding me from something in the future that I may not see: provision – God is providing me with many things I never expected to come from a trail; process- making lasting changes is a process. Gaining truth – and this a biggy….gaining truth of who I am in Christ and how I am made for more than this constant, self-defeating struggle.

It’s All in the Family – We are only one good choice away from being back on the path of perseverance. God’s love never fails, nothing can separate us from God’s love, love is patient, and God’s love is not based on our performance. Food equals love, comfort and peace but food cannot love back. How true that statement is. I find myself turning to food for comfort, for love, for peace in times of tribulation. But it is only temporary and soon turns to remorse or regret because I know what those chips and queso will do. 

I’m going to pick back up now and try to write a little something every day about this journey…..hope you can join along with me.

Turning a feeling of failure into an Opportunity

I’m not doing so good in the take an opportunity category. Day 2 and I feel like a failure already. I woke up with a sense of “I’m going to conquer” the day and although the day isn’t quite over, I have made a few mistakes. You see about five years ago I lost about 50 pounds. And since those five years, I have almost gained every pound back. Today I’m the closest to it I have ever been. I’ve been asking myself, when is enough going to be enough. I’ve done this once or twice before. I know what it takes. Weight lifting/working out has been a passion of mine that I always return to and have for a long time…. say almost 20 years worth, geez. Almost 20 years ago around this time of year would have been the first time that I got serious about my weight loss. See may be this is an opportunity. Let’s see where this takes us shall we. The year is 1994. I’m stationed in Germany at Spangdahlem Air Base as an Airman First Class, 81st Fighter Squadron, working in the tool crib instead of out on the flight line. Married to a jerk, whom we won’t mention because that is a whole other post. We had just returned from coming stateside on vacation. I was overweight (I really don’t remember what I weighed), depressed, etc. I started working out at the base gym, taking step aerobics and working with a personal trainer who just happened to be the step instructor. I worked out probably 1-2 hours almost every day…..watched what I ate, etc. I befriended my trainer and a two other women in the same boat as I. By the following spring I had lost weight, again I don’t remember what I weighed, but I remember people telling me I had. I remember buying new clothes. By the fall of 1995, I looked goooooood! I gained confidence that I had let my soon to be ex-husband rob me of. By the winter of 1995, I was probably the smallest I have ever been (circa high school) lifted weights, taught step aerobics, danced and just enjoyed life. By the spring of 1996, I was separated from soon to be ex-husband all the while maintaining my weight. I even competed in a body building competition in the fall of 1996. Time marched on got divorced, fall in love with hubby, got engaged, moved back to the states, got married. All the while maintaining my weight, working out here and there. And then I had baby #1. From then on it has been a constant struggle. A constant yo-yo of the scale. Last year about this time I was hovering around the 200s and managed to drop back down to 190s. Up and down. Like an escalator that has no stopping point.It took me almost 8 years from baby #1 to put up the fight. I don’t want to wait another 8 years. So this morning I jumped on the scale, I’m at 206 pounds. 5 years ago I was 160. But I took the opportunity not to let the scale define me. Not to let me clothes define me. Not to let the way other women look at me (or judge me…..even if they don’t that’s the way I feel) define me. So I started my day. After I drop the kiddos off at school I stop for coffee. I even turned today like I was going to stop a Starbucks’ because I needed a Chai Latte, I needed the creaminess, the warmth, the yumminess. But at the intersection I turned and headed to Oncue (gas station here in Oklahoma) and got a regular coffee. Two high fives for that one….because it cost less and not as many calories. I even ate the greek yogurt I brought. I was going to seize the opportunity of weighing more than I should to jump start my weight loss. Then lunch time came. Panera happened and let’s just say I’ve ate my fair share of carbs today. And now as I sit drinking my green tea kicking myself for the shortbread pumpkin cookie, the baguette and the mac-n-cheese, I still feel like seizing the opportunity to get it in gear. This is not me and I know it. I have let excuses and situations dictate what I do with me. I have let a craving smother my will power. And instead of turning to God at those times of sadness, stress, desperation…..I have turned toward Dr Pepper, Chai Lattes, Mac-n-Cheese, Queso and Chips, even alcohol (I like me some wine). I have made excuses not to run, not to get on the elliptical and even not to lift. I don’t need a book to follow, no I could probably write one. I know what needs to be done. So I give myself this challenge, this opportunity to stand up for myself again. To lose 50 pounds in 8 months. That is approximately 5 pounds per month. Very doable, I’ve done it before remember. I’ve never been a quitter. In fact I’m usually a pretty determined woman. That is what my hubby fell in love with. And By George I think I will seize the opportunity to be determined again.

I am who I am.......so kiss it society!

Show up as you are not as you think you ought to be…I read this somewhere I don’t remember. So I apologize if you are reading this and I “borrowed” it from you. How many of us struggle with this concept? The just “ifs” in life. “If I had done so and so then I would be a” or “if I would just lose weight I could”…..you know who you are. I don’t think there is a single person out there that hasn’t said this before. Hmm, raise your hand I know you have! I know I sure have almost each and every day. Well may be not every day but probably pretty close to that. Especially right now as I struggle with weight gain again. “If I would just lose “x” pounds then I would be so happy”. Would I? I’m not so sure any more. I mean what would I gain? My hubby loves me for who I am now, today at this very moment. Believe me, I ask him ALL THE TIME! And his answer “more than you know”. That’s probably true. My kids love their Mama unconditionally. My God loves me, this I know. Side note, that song will be in your head all day now, you’re welcome. My real friends except me for who I am and those that judge me, well I don’t need that criticism in my life so who cares. But I do, you know I do. I am who I am at this moment. Aren’t we supposed to live in the moment? At least I try to, I want to. I remember when I was dating this guy back in high school. We dated for like 2 years or so. Anyway, I remember on a walk one night he said, “I think you are a homely beautiful”. What exactly does that mean? I don’t know why I remember that. By definition homely means lacking in physical attractiveness; not beautiful; unattractive: a homely child; not having elegance, refinement, or cultivation; proper or suited to the home or to ordinary domestic life; plain; unpretentious: homely food: commonly seen or known (www.dictionary.com). Geez, what a terrific guy right? Anyway, I don’t think he quite meant it that way. May be I’m not the most elegant, refined, cultivated woman out there in this highly cultivated overrated world but I beat I have my strengths that make me beautiful in other ways right? Why does our culture raise us makes us believe that we have to have the outward appearance to be beautiful. Why do people look at you and judge you simply on your outward appearance without knowing one iota about you? Such a struggle for so many. But I’m tired of living by current society standards. You know there are standards. You have to live in a certain place, have a certain job, etc etc…..If you weren’t popular in high school chances are you won’t be popular in life now. Right? I call shenanigans on that. I might not live in an expensive house by hearing last night from a teenage girl that “my home was welcoming” made all the hard work that we have put into it worth it. I am who I am at this moment but it doesn’t mean I can’t change, I can’t improve. I always say there is room to improve. This philosophy can be applied to anything in life. I am changing, improving, in some areas more than others. And I will strive to continue to improve but I want it to be God’s doing not society. I want to live by his standards not those that society deems. And that my friends is a challenge on itself.