Things fell apart when I lost weight 5 years ago. I let the
world around me take over. I forgot who I was, where I came from, who loved me.
I fell hard. I almost lost everything. Since then it has been a constant
struggle with my relationships, with myself. I’m scared. I quickly gained
weight back that very year I hit my goal weight. I’m not quite sure how much
weight but I’m pretty sure at least 20 pounds, the next year 10 more and the
next, well you get the picture. And now 5 years later, I’m back to what I
started out at 6 years ago when I started that journey. Sure I’ve tried to lose
that weight every year. I start out with great ambition, knowing I’ve lost
before, believing that I will be able to do again. I get about 10-15 pounds in,
I hit the magical number of 180 (give or take a pound or two) and then I hit a
brick wall. It’s almost like my body knows and it puts the brakes on like a
screeching train going over the tracks.
Today I stepped on the scale, 211. My head started
screaming, my heart broke and even now as I sit to write this tears threaten to
come pouring out. Clothes don’t fit or those that I can actually squeeze into
bulge, and squeeze in places I don’t like. I sent a text to my hubby
Me: “I
officially cannot fit into any of my pants”
Hubby:
“I am sorry. I have faith u will get thru it”
But instead of wallowing too much I have picked myself back
up. I reached for my “Made to Crave Devotional” and started reading again. I
had left off around Day 6 last month. So I’m going to do a brief “catch-up” and
continue forward. I obviously need more
help with this than I have in the past and not from just a trainer either. I’ve never really thought of Jesus helping me
through this but why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he wants what is best for me? May
be I am still holding onto all of this and that if I just let it go and let it
be…..things will work.
So here is a recap (This is from the Made to Crave 60 Day
Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst
Unsettled
– oh I feel so unsettled right now. I feel like everything is out of control.
But allowing His touch to reach the deepest parts of me…..Goodbye to my
remnants, my justifications, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am….nor
who I was created to be.
What if I let God
down? – When I don’t have peace
physically, I don’t have peace spiritually. I can’t separate the two. Nor
should I……never thought of it this way before. I have always thought of
them to be two separate entities not related, one not having anything to do
with the next.
The Right
Questions – Define ourselves by our obedience not a number on the
scale. We are never supposed to get should satisfaction from our looks. Our
looks are temporary; if we hitch our souls to this fleeting pursuit, we’ll
quickly become disillusioned.
Consider It – “Consider
it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds”
James 1:2 Every time we face this moment of temptation, or we are tempted to
stray from the commitment to make healthier choices, it’s a trail. We must
consider it! Our feelings may be a true indicator of what we are facing, but
they don’t need to dictate our decisions.
Blessings Ahead
– The path of perseverance. Perseverance
means having an urgency, firmness, resolve, and consistency. Protection –
this trail may be shielding me from something in the future that I may not see:
provision – God is providing me with many things I never expected to come from
a trail; process- making lasting changes is a process. Gaining truth – and this
a biggy….gaining truth of who I am in Christ and how I am made for more than
this constant, self-defeating struggle.
It’s All in the
Family – We are only one good
choice away from being back on the path of perseverance. God’s love never
fails, nothing can separate us from God’s love, love is patient, and God’s love
is not based on our performance. Food equals love, comfort and peace but food
cannot love back. How true that statement is. I find myself turning to food for
comfort, for love, for peace in times of tribulation. But it is only temporary
and soon turns to remorse or regret because I know what those chips and queso
will do.
I’m going to pick back up now and try to write a little
something every day about this journey…..hope you can join along with me.
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