Like a reactor.....

Okay, I’m an official slacker. No really I just plain forgot, got busy etc. It has been a weird few days. But I’m just going to plow ahead. My heart feels heavy today and I’m sure it has to do with a multitude of things.

For starters on Monday I felt crappy, stayed home and just rested and piddled around. Tuesday, Emily had a band contest that I was a bus sponsor on. Done it before and have enjoyed it. But this time it just didn’t seem right. I mean the band did great; Jim got to go watch her, which was good. But there was one thing right after the other. And to feel unappreciated, treated like a child and chaos…..ugh. As some of you know I’m a reactor. I tend to react before I should, say things before thinking them through and most of the time react before I get all the info. I try so hard not to be this way. To sit back and get all information but like I said it is a weird time right now. After the band performed the get a “debrief” and things got confusing of who is on what bus, when they are leaving etc. Then to be told by the Vice President of the booster club to not talk while the band director talks so we don’t disturbed the kids in a tone like you would a child, was the last straw. I didn’t lose my temper although in an email the following day she said tempers where lost (I’m going on the pretense she meant herself) but I still reacted instead of just waiting. I wasn’t the only one that felt belittled by her reaction. But had I waited it probably would have been better. Again the whole day was chaos…..I’m a reactor, a fixer, a resolver. 

Yesterday wasn’t much better. I had Elliott’s IEP at school to change his category from not only DD (developmental delay) but to add the suspected Austism for the Asperger’s. Of course with all the issues going on with his teacher and not agreeing with her, the inconsistencies of communication, and the lack of communication I was a donkey on the edge. I didn’t explode but I spoke my mind and in the process…..made the teacher cry. Thing is I feel bad but I don’t. My gut tells me this teacher is a fit for him although or psychologist says she think she is good for him but more than likely we won’t like her. And that is probably true. But I had to get off my chest of the things we were experiencing that were contradicting what was supposed to be happening. I’m not going to go into detail. Nothing changed I just got to speak my mind and I tried to do it with as much respect as I could. But I still reacted. I apologized to them was told it was good to let them know how I was feeling and even the psychologist for the school said never to apologize for anything when it comes to being an advocate for Elliott. But still, I reacted.

But last night I didn’t react. When Jim got upset over a situation before church, I didn’t react. I was quite. I let him rant and speak his mind and then simply said….you can’t control people and their actions. You can’t make them conform to yours. I’m sorry they don’t show the respect you think you deserve (and probably does). Then I remained silent. And you know what? He was calm when he got home where before they might have been tense. 

And today…..things are going alright. I don’t want to be at work or at least not this work that I’m doing right now. Last night I finished decorating for Halloween (yes I know it is in a week) and you know what I ENJOYED IT!!! I love decorating my house being creative. I miss not taking the time to be creative. And I need to take them time to be that. I read an article in the Parade this past Sunday about how people are reverting back to handmade crafts and having a creative outlet. I need to tape back into that. Problem is I have so many things I like to do that I just can’t narrow it down to just one. But I think I need to react to this outlet of creativity. I need to react to things I enjoy and let the rest fall to the way side……

A Second Chance

 I have had my fair lot of second chances. Even my marriage is a second chance. This is our second marriage for both of us and we have been married almost 16 years now (together almost 19). So I would say that was a good second chance. Heck there are even things that warrant a third and forth second chance. Even Maggie got a second chance of another family.







There are some things in life that you can't do over but you can improve on. And there are somethings you can't get back or a second chance or a do over. And that is time. Time with the family, time with your children, experiencing their firsts, seconds, etc. Watching the band practice for the umpteenth time. All important milestones. You don't get many second chances.....

It is important to me more and more every day that I be there for my kids in every way I can be. I feel a strong urgency to do so. But it always hasn't been the case. I've been pretty selfish in my life even when it comes to my kids and my hubby. That has all changed recently. And as we take steps to change somethings in our family life I'm realizing more and more, its okay not to do those things I once was so passionate about. I'm not saying not to go out and be your own person, do your own thing. I'm just not going to go out for every thing that I was did. I guess you could say my passions have changed. Half of me is disappointed and half of me is excited for this journey in our life.

Some of you know that our son has Asperger's and ADHD. Next week his IEP changes at school to include the Autism Spectrum. Meeting him you wouldn't think he is anything other than a high spirited little boy. And for the most part he is as well as an exceptional story teller. But you don't get to see everything we do. Its our normal and it almost comes second nature to us. He is so much a joy and blessing and finally we have a new team of doctors helping us. Just the other day I was thinking how blessed we are to have them in our lives, especially our one physiologist. Because we are getting a second chance as a family. She is helping us with our perspective of Elliott, how we should work with the school system (instead of being defensive, Mom), how we should change the way we do somethings at home that will not only benefit Elliott but all of us.

My level of expectation is high, like it is with most things in life. I need to learn how to relax that level and enjoy the process and ride. But it is hard. So when she told us to establish weekly dinners again, my mind starting spinning with all the family things I want to do and expect. It didn't go as talked, as planned but it was a step in the right direction. I'm so looking forward to the changes we are making, to the second chances of being the best family we can possibly be and I don't want to miss a thing.

Disaster Adverted…….Barely

Whew what a morning. I thought it was going to be a douser but it ended up being okay. Not the best but I know it could have been a lot worse, A LOT WORSE. I did not win Mommy of the year this morning either but I regained composure quickly.

The morning didn't start out bad, I mean I woke up like most mornings not wanting to get out of bed. The dog lying next to me wondering why my alarm is going off for the umpteen time, shuffling down the hall to wake up the teenager who ignored her alarm, dogs out, coffee started, etc, all normal. He even got up in a good mood and continued even when Emily yelled at us to hurry up. We took her to school (she has to be there at zero dark thirty for band practice, not really 6:30 but it is dark). And then we came back home and that is where it started to digress.

Being an aspie (aka Aspergers) kid he has difficulty transitioning and this morning was a morning that he didn't want to deviate from what he was doing, watching UTube videos on Minecraft, on my phone. Yeah, A+ Mom. Anyway, I asked him repeatedly to get dressed (yes I let him stay in his PJs while we take sissy to school, no biggie) and he started whining….you have to help me. So like any rational Mother I went and got his clothes and started helping him get dressed. This is when it started. Since he wasn't paying attention, I grabbed my phone and turned off the video. Since it has a password on it (thanks to him sneaking out at night to get it and watch videos) he couldn't get it back on. Things began to get frustrating but manageable. Then I made a vital error in dealing with him. I tried to rush him.

Yep! He becomes a ticking time bomb. The crying, the screaming, the kicking etc. I could feel my blood pressure rising quickly. So like any good Mommy, I tossed his shoes and walked out of the room. Which intensified his mood. I went about gathering my things, his backpack and finally told him, we needed to leave. Another explosion occurred because he realized he was using up his playing time at school.

Fast forward into the kitchen, still yelling, screaming, throwing himself around, pushing chairs, etc. I just about lost it. I became angry with him. Asking him "why are you doing this" of course he yelled back at me it was because he was missing play time, it was all my fault. Then I heard the voice. Use this as an opportunity. SO I felt myself relax and told him to go to his room. That is what our physiologist wants us to do with him. Send him to his room when he is uncontrollable. I didn't place him there long, just long enough to put my stuff in the car then I went back in. He had turned his TV on and was acting like it wasn't any big deal until I asked him to come on lets go, calmly. Then the emotions started again.

We got to school, he locked the door refusing to get out so I grabbed his backpack and sat on the bench, waiting. He came out, head butted me on the side and after a few seconds proceeded to go in where the morning continued to go downhill because two little monsters decided to take all the blocks even though three can play to a tub….Elliott broke down again. There would have been a time in the past that I would have scooped him up and walked out but today I let him sit there crying, even though it broke my heart. I tried to redirect him to something else but he wouldn't have it. Finally he picked up the remaining three blocks to play with and that is when I told those kids to give them some of theirs, the block hogs.

Now this all sounds like it too forever and it didn't. Really it was a total of 10-15 minutes from the first outburst until the time I got him inside school (we live a block away). He didn't give me a hug or kiss just his head for me to give a kiss on. But he did come to the window and wave to me as I pulled away feeling like the worst Mommy on earth.

I know he can't help it. And to others he looks like a big baby when he gets upset at that. If they only knew right? But it doesn't help my emotions at the time. It doesn't help me feel any better that I almost lost it this morning. It doesn't help that I was harsh with my words to him. It's just Elliott being Elliott. My normal not anyone else's.

I turned out of the school and headed straight for Starbucks for my Chai Latte, texted his teacher about his mood and said a little prayer for him. This morning ended up turning for the better.