The Delusion of Illusions......

Illusions….magicians are great at this. It is what magic is all about.  Part of the definition of illusion is deception. I’ve never thought of it as a deception. But think about it, you have this grand illusion or expectation of what something should be and then it usually, most of the time doesn’t quite work out to be the illusion we had had envisioned or it was a total flop. Yet we keep wanting the illusion, we get excited picturing it, dreaming about it, trying to make it happen with all our might. Then bam, realization hits or you have aha moment and your bubble is busted. Your illusion is never going to happen. The below summary really nails it:

Synonyms
1. aberration, fantasy, chimera. illusion, hallucination, DELUSION refer to false perceptions or ideas. An illusion is a false mental image produced by misinterpretation of things that actually exist: A mirage is an illusion produced by reflection of light against the sky.  A hallucination is a perception of a thing or quality that has no physical counterpart: Under the influence of LSD, Terry had hallucinations that the living-room floor was rippling.  A delusion is a persistent false belief: A paranoiac has delusions of persecution. Source

That’s right an illusion is a delusion and a delusion is a persistent false belief. Wow. As I sit to write this my mind is going in 15,000 directions, well may be not that many but it is bouncing around a lot. Like Tigger does - bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. But as I reflect on all the things that are going on in life right now it only seems fitting. I have this illusion that I can have a picture perfect life. My kids are perfect, my husband is perfect, I’m at a perfect weight, I love my job, I love where I am, yada, yada, yada. Right! Wake up Christy smell the coffee. I have this persistent false belief, perception or idea that I can have it all. Not going to happen. I have to stop this madness. This up and down that things are going to work, if I just work hard and it, if I just read this book or that book. That everything will work out like I have planned perfectly in my itty bitty mind, and then they don’t so it sends me spiraling into pity party mayhem. If I just plan more things then all of the sudden my family will go, oh yes I would love to spend time together. I would love to have that special family night. Oh I want to show compassion, empathy, love, comfort, etc towards one another. Oh please, can I? Sheez it ain’t going to happen sista!

My family works better if we do our own thing. I have succumbed to that realization. It isn’t an illusion it is fact. I need to find peace with it and except it. We are not going to be the Walton’s or the Brady Bunch or whatever. We are us. We are not “that” family we are us. We function apart just fine and occasionally by some miracle intervention we come together for dinner, or a movie or 5 minutes during advent. Then we go about other things.  It works, it’s not perfect, most will criticize but it works. I just need to celebrate my 5 minutes here or my 15 minutes there. Praise those times instead of wanting the illusion. I will probably be happier for it. I want to be happy to have the Peace that the Lord wants me to have. To be joyful of his plan. May be instead of focusing of the illusion that's not going to happen I should be rejoicing in the plan that God has put forth in my life. It is right in front of me......seeing is believing. Rejoice.

I may not be......

I love to read. Always have. The thicker the book the better, even when I was a little girl. In fact I tease Emily because she doesn’t read anything over an inch and a half. I love all books, with the exception of romance, but I tend to lean towards memoirs or auto/biographies. Why? Because I can read those and go, “you know my life isn’t all that bad”. It’s a reminder to me that my life doesn’t suck after all. 

So when I stumbled onto a blogger that hasn’t posted in a while it was a wakeup call to me once again that life doesn’t suck for me.

I may not be where I want to be right now but……

                I have a job

I may not be at the weight I want to be but……

                I have my health

I may not win the Mother of the Year award but…..

                My children are doing amazingly well 

I may not always agree with him but……

                My hubby is a wonderful man

I may not feel like cooking every night but……..

                We have food in the pantry

I may not have the cleanest and perfect house but…….

                Our house is warm

I may not have the newest and latest car but…..

                My cars are paid for

I may not be where I want to be right now but…….

                I have faith and trust in God that I will be soon.

“Nothing taken for granted; everything received with gratitude; everything passed on with grace.”

~G. K. Chesterton

Like a reactor.....

Okay, I’m an official slacker. No really I just plain forgot, got busy etc. It has been a weird few days. But I’m just going to plow ahead. My heart feels heavy today and I’m sure it has to do with a multitude of things.

For starters on Monday I felt crappy, stayed home and just rested and piddled around. Tuesday, Emily had a band contest that I was a bus sponsor on. Done it before and have enjoyed it. But this time it just didn’t seem right. I mean the band did great; Jim got to go watch her, which was good. But there was one thing right after the other. And to feel unappreciated, treated like a child and chaos…..ugh. As some of you know I’m a reactor. I tend to react before I should, say things before thinking them through and most of the time react before I get all the info. I try so hard not to be this way. To sit back and get all information but like I said it is a weird time right now. After the band performed the get a “debrief” and things got confusing of who is on what bus, when they are leaving etc. Then to be told by the Vice President of the booster club to not talk while the band director talks so we don’t disturbed the kids in a tone like you would a child, was the last straw. I didn’t lose my temper although in an email the following day she said tempers where lost (I’m going on the pretense she meant herself) but I still reacted instead of just waiting. I wasn’t the only one that felt belittled by her reaction. But had I waited it probably would have been better. Again the whole day was chaos…..I’m a reactor, a fixer, a resolver. 

Yesterday wasn’t much better. I had Elliott’s IEP at school to change his category from not only DD (developmental delay) but to add the suspected Austism for the Asperger’s. Of course with all the issues going on with his teacher and not agreeing with her, the inconsistencies of communication, and the lack of communication I was a donkey on the edge. I didn’t explode but I spoke my mind and in the process…..made the teacher cry. Thing is I feel bad but I don’t. My gut tells me this teacher is a fit for him although or psychologist says she think she is good for him but more than likely we won’t like her. And that is probably true. But I had to get off my chest of the things we were experiencing that were contradicting what was supposed to be happening. I’m not going to go into detail. Nothing changed I just got to speak my mind and I tried to do it with as much respect as I could. But I still reacted. I apologized to them was told it was good to let them know how I was feeling and even the psychologist for the school said never to apologize for anything when it comes to being an advocate for Elliott. But still, I reacted.

But last night I didn’t react. When Jim got upset over a situation before church, I didn’t react. I was quite. I let him rant and speak his mind and then simply said….you can’t control people and their actions. You can’t make them conform to yours. I’m sorry they don’t show the respect you think you deserve (and probably does). Then I remained silent. And you know what? He was calm when he got home where before they might have been tense. 

And today…..things are going alright. I don’t want to be at work or at least not this work that I’m doing right now. Last night I finished decorating for Halloween (yes I know it is in a week) and you know what I ENJOYED IT!!! I love decorating my house being creative. I miss not taking the time to be creative. And I need to take them time to be that. I read an article in the Parade this past Sunday about how people are reverting back to handmade crafts and having a creative outlet. I need to tape back into that. Problem is I have so many things I like to do that I just can’t narrow it down to just one. But I think I need to react to this outlet of creativity. I need to react to things I enjoy and let the rest fall to the way side……

A Second Chance

 I have had my fair lot of second chances. Even my marriage is a second chance. This is our second marriage for both of us and we have been married almost 16 years now (together almost 19). So I would say that was a good second chance. Heck there are even things that warrant a third and forth second chance. Even Maggie got a second chance of another family.







There are some things in life that you can't do over but you can improve on. And there are somethings you can't get back or a second chance or a do over. And that is time. Time with the family, time with your children, experiencing their firsts, seconds, etc. Watching the band practice for the umpteenth time. All important milestones. You don't get many second chances.....

It is important to me more and more every day that I be there for my kids in every way I can be. I feel a strong urgency to do so. But it always hasn't been the case. I've been pretty selfish in my life even when it comes to my kids and my hubby. That has all changed recently. And as we take steps to change somethings in our family life I'm realizing more and more, its okay not to do those things I once was so passionate about. I'm not saying not to go out and be your own person, do your own thing. I'm just not going to go out for every thing that I was did. I guess you could say my passions have changed. Half of me is disappointed and half of me is excited for this journey in our life.

Some of you know that our son has Asperger's and ADHD. Next week his IEP changes at school to include the Autism Spectrum. Meeting him you wouldn't think he is anything other than a high spirited little boy. And for the most part he is as well as an exceptional story teller. But you don't get to see everything we do. Its our normal and it almost comes second nature to us. He is so much a joy and blessing and finally we have a new team of doctors helping us. Just the other day I was thinking how blessed we are to have them in our lives, especially our one physiologist. Because we are getting a second chance as a family. She is helping us with our perspective of Elliott, how we should work with the school system (instead of being defensive, Mom), how we should change the way we do somethings at home that will not only benefit Elliott but all of us.

My level of expectation is high, like it is with most things in life. I need to learn how to relax that level and enjoy the process and ride. But it is hard. So when she told us to establish weekly dinners again, my mind starting spinning with all the family things I want to do and expect. It didn't go as talked, as planned but it was a step in the right direction. I'm so looking forward to the changes we are making, to the second chances of being the best family we can possibly be and I don't want to miss a thing.

A Few Days of Opportunities

Well I owe you a few days of posts. I meant to post a picture a day but that didn't quite workout that way. There was So here is a recap of days 11-13....

Beautiful ain't it. We have gone camping the last several years. Rather it be in a tent, trailer, RV or cabin. This year we went to Robber's Cave in Southeastern Oklahoma. This wasn't our first choice but it was closed due to the government shut down. Although the trip had a few bumps in the beginning we ended up having a great time.

It was a wonderful time that went a little too fast. I wished I would have had one more day. But I will take the days I had. Being somewhat unplugged (sorry for no post). Getting to see all the stars, sit around the camp fire, go exploring and just listening to my kids talk and play.
 

Picture Perfect Day 9&10

This is what we have been doing......

Ketchup Day 5 and 6

Okay so today is going to be a "ketchup" day. I slacked over the weekend. Too much, too much. But let me give you a replay of what happened. Not say I didn't have good excuses. Probably the main excuse was just plain exhaustion.

Saturday, day 5 was spent like this:

My daughter is a freshman in her first year of marching band. We did good. Placed third in our division for prelims and 8 in the finals. Not bad for a band that is heavy with freshman this year. This was probably by far the best experience of the weekend. A very long weekend but I wouldn't change anything about it except for her not feeling good. There is a time prior to them going over for warmups where their director gets them in focus. This was the first time I witnessed it fully. He plays music, talks them through a visualization routine and then they get their plums in their hats prior to going over. No one talks during this time. The kids have a mixture of excitement, fear, focus......such an intense time. You can just feel all their emotions. I found myself right there with them every step of the way. And then both times they took the field I found myself tearing up. Not sure why. This isn't Emily's first or last performance. Probably just so very proud of her. Of her accomplishments. And so very moved that she wants me there. That is the icing on the cake. She seeks me out between times, wanting to be there. Its nice.

Sunday, day 6 was spent like this:

 

 She didn't play keeper this time but you get the picture that we had a soccer game. And if I had thought about it some more I would have not had her play. We didn't get in until 2:00 am and it was a 12:30 game. Plus with her not feeling good it doesn't make a good mixture. But the team did good and placed second overall in the tournament.

The rest of the day was spent running errands, grocery shopping and preparing for our camping trip. By last night I was exhausted but still didn't end up sleeping well. Oh well, two more days then we are on our trip. Hopefully, I will be able to get some rest.