Wednesday, October 31, 2012

My looking mirror is broken

I've got that feeling again......antsy, not where I'm supposed to be, not doing what I'm supposed to, some thing's coming, lack of focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. Ah, man I've broken my looking glass thingy and can't see what is coming around the corner. I just know something is coming. Change. Great, perfect timing. May be it is just a yearning to redecorate my house. Probably. But then again, my house always seems to be in a constant state of disarray. Although cleaner today than it has been of late. Chaos seems to always be lurking in our household too. Or just being scheduled to the hilt. I try so hard to keep activites to a minimum but with both kids participating in sports it is hard. 

I have 18 days until I run my first marathon. I should be ecstatic but I find myself going, eh no biggie. Partly because I'm way under prepared and partly because I've found my focus changing lately over the whole racing thing. Don't get me wrong. I love to train (most of the time), I love participating in events but I'm finding that my life just doesn't revolve around the next event, the next get together, etc. Of course I say that now but I will probably be involved just not racing everything there is. I find my peace when I work out. Rather it be lifting weights at the gym or running. But I've found a pull that wants to run more trail running. I want my family to be with me enjoying it just not on the sidelines cheering, volunteering or taking pictures. Although having your own personal photographer is nice too!

That all being said, I know that I have to work out. I'm becoming more okay with myself however I do want to change. It troubles me that I've hit a roadblock for the last several years with my weight at the exact same point. I'm determine to break that roadblock and because of certain things that have happened recently I think that is actually possible. The fact that I'm becoming okay with my weight with the way I look tells me that I'm at peace with an issue that battles so many women and men. Of course I do have my moments, my pity party moments, my Eeyore moments but I think everyone does and that is absolutely normal.

So back to feeling antsy. May be its because I'm running a marathon. May be its because I have so many projects I want to do at home and not enough time or money to do them in. May be its the time change this weekend. May be it is a lot of things all wrapped into one. I don't know. But whatever the wind blows in I know I'm ready.......

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