Thursday, March 21, 2013

Fraudulant Feelings.....

I wrote this a while back and never hit publish.......

So yesterday I felt nervous, anxious and so much like a fraud. Last night I started leading a women’s group at church, again. I’ve done this before heck I’ve even lead the same material before. But I knew the group was going to be larger. And I hold a lot of these women in a high regard. Putting them on a pedestal that they are better than me or at least their Christian walk is so better than mine, or at least that is what it seems to me.
And there I was leading a group of women that sit on a pedestal and I looked at me, some lowly, frumpy woman that has been on this weight loss roller coaster so many times I almost lose track of which diet or workout plan seemed to work and just why was I leading a group of women regarding this when I can’t even stick to it. I felt fraudulent.
It’s not that I don’t know what to do to lose weight, I probably know more than some. But everywhere you turn, its try this try that, do this do that. You read stories of inspiration of people that followed this program and was able to drop huge amounts of weight. Well I must have found it. I’m almost back up to where I was 6 years ago. Why did I let myself come to this once again?
I was feeling this way then I went home. And my hubby met me at the door with a huge kiss, smelling all yummy and delicious. It’s like he knew I needed reassurance that I was still beautiful, sexy and wanted. Then prior to class starting my dear friend prayed with me. She knew I was apprehensive without me saying a word. And her prayer was beautiful and made me feel even better.
And you know what, the women that came together last night are wonderful, each and every one of them. New faces I haven’t got to know and some familiar faces as well. Last night went well. I need to plan just a little more to know which questions we want to go over rather than stumbling through it. I’m looking forward to re-reading the book and seeing the videos again. Discussion went well because everyone participated and I haven’t had that in a long time.
What I walked away from is this…..for the first time I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel like I was being evaluated to see what I was and wasn’t doing or should be doing.

In the zone......

“I knew you were in the zone” said my friend at Sunday’s half marathon race. I was in the zone… the danger zone, no parking zone, no crying zone….”the zone”. That running zone where everything feels good and suddenly you have nothing to worry about you just let your feet do the running. Your body takes over and runs you at the pace it wants to go. You might last 2 minutes you might last 2 miles. But for those moments you are in “the zone”.
The race a great one and even though I have no medal to prove it (yes they ran out of medals) I’m still excited over the results. I PR’d by like 15 minutes. Wow, I know right? To some that means nothing but there are those people who understand what that means. I started this year training for another marathon. Yes I know at the 20 miles mark in November I said I wasn’t going to do it again but the challenge inside me was sparked. I’m addicted to endurance races, whether it be a triathlon or marathon. I like seeing how far I go. I find it ironic that when I first started this journey five years ago I thought a 5K was undoable. And now I can go for an 8 mile run without thinking anything about it. I crave to run. Now if I could just crave to eat healthier things would be rosy.
So what now….well I’m even more determined to continue running this year especially beyond the marathon distance, I have two planned. I would like to try an ultra. I’ve dabbled a little in trail running and I would like to try an official race. But in order to do that I know I have to tighten up on my eating and how I take care of myself. I want to do this “smartly” if I can. Because people with my addiction often are nuts to begin with and I am no exception to it but I still think there is a smart way and a not so smart way.
I feel excited about the prospect of trying something new, of getting a grip with my eating by focusing on the goal at hand rather on the deprivation that may occur. Even with our crazy life it seems easy for me to have this running hobby, this goal of longer distances. I know our life is going to become even crazier with the big kid entering high school but you know with a little planning and creativity I know it can be done. Well it just has to be done for my mental sanity and for the safety of others.
So you could say I’m in the zone……