Fraudulant Feelings.....

I wrote this a while back and never hit publish.......

So yesterday I felt nervous, anxious and so much like a fraud. Last night I started leading a women’s group at church, again. I’ve done this before heck I’ve even lead the same material before. But I knew the group was going to be larger. And I hold a lot of these women in a high regard. Putting them on a pedestal that they are better than me or at least their Christian walk is so better than mine, or at least that is what it seems to me.

And there I was leading a group of women that sit on a pedestal and I looked at me, some lowly, frumpy woman that has been on this weight loss roller coaster so many times I almost lose track of which diet or workout plan seemed to work and just why was I leading a group of women regarding this when I can’t even stick to it. I felt fraudulent.

It’s not that I don’t know what to do to lose weight, I probably know more than some. But everywhere you turn, its try this try that, do this do that. You read stories of inspiration of people that followed this program and was able to drop huge amounts of weight. Well I must have found it. I’m almost back up to where I was 6 years ago. Why did I let myself come to this once again?

I was feeling this way then I went home. And my hubby met me at the door with a huge kiss, smelling all yummy and delicious. It’s like he knew I needed reassurance that I was still beautiful, sexy and wanted. Then prior to class starting my dear friend prayed with me. She knew I was apprehensive without me saying a word. And her prayer was beautiful and made me feel even better.

And you know what, the women that came together last night are wonderful, each and every one of them. New faces I haven’t got to know and some familiar faces as well. Last night went well. I need to plan just a little more to know which questions we want to go over rather than stumbling through it. I’m looking forward to re-reading the book and seeing the videos again. Discussion went well because everyone participated and I haven’t had that in a long time.

What I walked away from is this…..for the first time I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel like I was being evaluated to see what I was and wasn’t doing or should be doing.