Thursday, August 1, 2013

Remembering Who I very best

“Remember who you are”….those are the words I tell her every time she leaves for camp or walks another milestone. Remember. Like Mufasa and Simba in the Lion King, corny but I speak it from my heart. Remembering who you are is a constant struggle for anyone let alone a teenager. I still struggle. I’m struggling and I don’t know why. I can feel it just a creppin’ in from the dark outer edges that I try to ignore. Today I start over. Today I start remembering who I am. I’m picking up a devotional again, “Made to Crave”. I’m going to re-read the book and do the devotional. Giving myself a 60 day reset. I feel emptiness and I know Jim is struggling too. We haven’t been to church partly because I haven’t been going, I’ve been running and partly because we have no Sunday school class. So we don’t feel like we belong anywhere. But now Emily doesn’t even feel like going and that isn’t good. I’m not sure why, she won’t talk about it. She will in time. Day 1: “Goodbye to shallow efforts, self-focus, and suspicious fears that I’ll never find victory in this area of my life.” Am I shallow? I know I can be self-focused sometimes. I try not to be but as I take a step back and think of how I think of myself, the comments that I not only say out loud but in my head. I feel like a failure because I’ve gained weight. Yet I’m very successful at work and at home. I feel like a big fatty pants but I have many people that see beyond my weight and just see me. I’m tired of this vicious cycle I cause to myself. I’m my happiest when I’m in the gym lifting weights and I’m at my happiness when I’m running. Let’s face it, I’m at my happiest when I’m moving my body, except for swimming but really its therapeutic so yes I’m even happy swimming. When I’m not happy I’m comparing myself to others, I’m beating myself up because I haven’t reached a goal or I feel I don’t measure up to someone else. When I’m not happy I’ve deprived myself of all foods and drinks that I love. I’m not willing to let some food items go or the ability not to enjoy food or drink. Life is too short. Yes I do need to be healthy and yes I can stand to lose about 30-35 pounds. But I’m not going to be unhappy getting there or maintaining it. I’m done comparing myself to the skinny chick that can run sub 7:00 minute miles……I may never be that. But I can decide to be happy at the fact that I can out lift many of those skinny chicks. That at one time I could bench her and definitely squat her. And that my friend is what I will keep in mind. “The Best way to pay for a lovely moment, is to enjoy it” – Richard Bach. Not every moment is lovely, but there is something lovely in every moment. Live up to your greatness by giving your very best. So that is what I will do, each and every moment. Give my very best.