Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A leap of faith in time

I saw a hummingbird out my office window this morning. I watched it while I was on the phone with my boss. Trying to hold the office phone, juggle my cell phone (so I of course could take a picture) and raise my blinds….but alas I didn’t capture it. He was a beautiful green little hummingbird. But it made me smile. It made me think that everything is going to be okay. That while we might have expenses we weren’t expecting and less hours at jobs, we have plenty to be thankful for. Watching my little green friend made me celebrate the success of today and not worry about the stresses of tomorrow. To think that God created such a little creature that can bring a smile to anyone’s face when they see one. It is a random creature in this big world. Which is how I feel today, random.

What if you knew you weren’t doing what you are supposed to be doing. But changing is difficult and the unknown is scary. So what do you do?

I’ve got that feeling. I feel like I have a message to share, to spread to the world like a raging wildfire. So what do I do? How do I go about it?

Some may say that I need to pray, to ask God for direction. I’m not a good prayer but I’ve been told no one is. I’ve prayed to God before about direction. Show me the way, Lord. But maybe I’m too impatient like most, I want instant answers. But I imagine God doing just like I do with my own kids, “patience my dear”, “just a minute”. And to God what is time? When will I get my answers?

I have felt this way before. It comes in waves. There are several instances where it stands out. One about 5 years ago. I started simplifying things. Making changes. Which lead me to quit one job and start a new one. Then I got away from my simplification process and decided I needed more once again. Decided I had to hold this or that, rather it be job, position, title etc. And then I get put in my place once again. But I feel unsettled once again. Like the simplification process needs to ramp up, again.

I could just take a leap of faith. I have faith that all things work out like they are supposed to. Sometimes the way we want them to and sometimes not. But in the end they are for the best rather we think they are. Think about it. If some of the things that didn’t work out worked out like YOU wanted them to where would you be now? Hmmm? I know I wouldn’t be in the place I am now. For sure.

Taking a leap of faith is scary. Everyone has to be on board for it or at least those that it will affect the most. But I don’t think the world would be what it is today without those that decided to take that leap of faith. But I have responsibilities too. But maybe my responsibilities need to have priories placed on them. Are there things I could change? Absolutely. I have already started making some changes. But I know there are more changes I could make. And just maybe amongst those changes, reality could take over and the answer would appear. In time.

I had a dream not too long ago, when I was having a period of time that I felt unsettled. I don’t remember the dream except for what woke me up. In a whisper I heard, be still. Go ahead have goose bumps. I felt so strange after that. And it hasn’t left my mind. Be still. It’s hard. But maybe if I take the time to be still I will find the answers I need. In time. 

For now, I will live purposefully. I will listen to the wind, feel the sun on my face, watch for my friend the hummingbird and I will try to marvel at God’s beauty in everything.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Learning as I get Older

I’m learning to say no. I’m learning to say enough is enough is enough…..I can’t go on, I can’t go on. Sorry I digressed. Seriously though, I said enough. I’ve always been the one that would go out of my way to help with something no matter what. I volunteered first. I had to have control. I had to be the one doing it, doing everything. You need a homeroom Mom that’s me, you need someone to run your committee that’s me! I had to be large and in charge. Serving others is a gift of mine. But I can take it over the top at times.

This got me a reputation of “the know it all” the aggressive person that very few people wanted to be around. I wanted to be the boss and I acted that way but I wanted you to like me too. I’ve battled what people think all my life. Trying to please everyone. Make everyone happy. And it has cost me. 

Recently, I’ve been taking a step back. You could say as I’ve gotten older I no longer need to be large and in charge. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a leader, everyone is. But I no longer seek the limelight. I yearn to be the quiet, timid, in the background person. I’m beginning to realize that you can still serve others without being the large and in charge. You can still be the “go to” person without all the hoopla that I just don’t have time for any more. 

But it isn’t easy to step back and just do. To step back and not be the one making the decisions. Rather I’m the one cleaning up after an event. I’m the one making sure people are empowered to do what they need to do without taking the credit for it. I struggle with it. It is a war inside me. 

There is another part to this. I’m learning to say no to doing stuff. Life is too short to be over booked, over planned etc. I’m starting to do what is important to me, to my family instead of doing what everyone else is doing. I’m not following the crowd because I want to be part of the party. I’m doing what I want to do, what is important to me. I’m learning to slow down, smell the roses parse, notice the sunrise, the sunset, the moon. I’m spending time with my hubby in the mornings reading the paper, drinking a cup of coffee. Dreaming again of what we want as a family and what I want as an individual. All the other stuff isn’t as important. In the end it just won’t matter.

So I’m learning to say no, I’m learning to let go.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Crazy Bats Return

I hadn’t realized that I haven’t posted anything in a VERY LONG TIME. I apologize for that. Life is busy. I know I’m speaking to the choir, right? Life is a roller coaster and at times these past several months I have just been along for the ride. Coasting, not really participating. But that is changing. I’m making a comeback, I am returning to my true self. Not my old self because I wasn’t always happy with my old self. So there might be a lot of changes and I’m sure I will make changes to those changes. But I hope you join me in this ride because I predict it to a great one!