I’m learning to say no. I’m learning to say enough is enough is enough…..I can’t go on, I can’t go on. Sorry I digressed. Seriously though, I said enough. I’ve always been the one that would go out of my way to help with something no matter what. I volunteered first. I had to have control. I had to be the one doing it, doing everything. You need a homeroom Mom that’s me, you need someone to run your committee that’s me! I had to be large and in charge. Serving others is a gift of mine. But I can take it over the top at times.
This got me a reputation of “the know it all” the aggressive person that very few people wanted to be around. I wanted to be the boss and I acted that way but I wanted you to like me too. I’ve battled what people think all my life. Trying to please everyone. Make everyone happy. And it has cost me.
Recently, I’ve been taking a step back. You could say as I’ve gotten older I no longer need to be large and in charge. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a leader, everyone is. But I no longer seek the limelight. I yearn to be the quiet, timid, in the background person. I’m beginning to realize that you can still serve others without being the large and in charge. You can still be the “go to” person without all the hoopla that I just don’t have time for any more.
But it isn’t easy to step back and just do. To step back and not be the one making the decisions. Rather I’m the one cleaning up after an event. I’m the one making sure people are empowered to do what they need to do without taking the credit for it. I struggle with it. It is a war inside me.
There is another part to this. I’m learning to say no to doing stuff. Life is too short to be over booked, over planned etc. I’m starting to do what is important to me, to my family instead of doing what everyone else is doing. I’m not following the crowd because I want to be part of the party. I’m doing what I want to do, what is important to me. I’m learning to slow down, smell the roses parse, notice the sunrise, the sunset, the moon. I’m spending time with my hubby in the mornings reading the paper, drinking a cup of coffee. Dreaming again of what we want as a family and what I want as an individual. All the other stuff isn’t as important. In the end it just won’t matter.
So I’m learning to say no, I’m learning to let go.