Thursday, October 24, 2013

Like a reactor.....

Okay, I’m an official slacker. No really I just plain forgot, got busy etc. It has been a weird few days. But I’m just going to plow ahead. My heart feels heavy today and I’m sure it has to do with a multitude of things.

For starters on Monday I felt crappy, stayed home and just rested and piddled around. Tuesday, Emily had a band contest that I was a bus sponsor on. Done it before and have enjoyed it. But this time it just didn’t seem right. I mean the band did great; Jim got to go watch her, which was good. But there was one thing right after the other. And to feel unappreciated, treated like a child and chaos…..ugh. As some of you know I’m a reactor. I tend to react before I should, say things before thinking them through and most of the time react before I get all the info. I try so hard not to be this way. To sit back and get all information but like I said it is a weird time right now. After the band performed the get a “debrief” and things got confusing of who is on what bus, when they are leaving etc. Then to be told by the Vice President of the booster club to not talk while the band director talks so we don’t disturbed the kids in a tone like you would a child, was the last straw. I didn’t lose my temper although in an email the following day she said tempers where lost (I’m going on the pretense she meant herself) but I still reacted instead of just waiting. I wasn’t the only one that felt belittled by her reaction. But had I waited it probably would have been better. Again the whole day was chaos…..I’m a reactor, a fixer, a resolver. 

Yesterday wasn’t much better. I had Elliott’s IEP at school to change his category from not only DD (developmental delay) but to add the suspected Austism for the Asperger’s. Of course with all the issues going on with his teacher and not agreeing with her, the inconsistencies of communication, and the lack of communication I was a donkey on the edge. I didn’t explode but I spoke my mind and in the process…..made the teacher cry. Thing is I feel bad but I don’t. My gut tells me this teacher is a fit for him although or psychologist says she think she is good for him but more than likely we won’t like her. And that is probably true. But I had to get off my chest of the things we were experiencing that were contradicting what was supposed to be happening. I’m not going to go into detail. Nothing changed I just got to speak my mind and I tried to do it with as much respect as I could. But I still reacted. I apologized to them was told it was good to let them know how I was feeling and even the psychologist for the school said never to apologize for anything when it comes to being an advocate for Elliott. But still, I reacted.

But last night I didn’t react. When Jim got upset over a situation before church, I didn’t react. I was quite. I let him rant and speak his mind and then simply said….you can’t control people and their actions. You can’t make them conform to yours. I’m sorry they don’t show the respect you think you deserve (and probably does). Then I remained silent. And you know what? He was calm when he got home where before they might have been tense. 

And today…..things are going alright. I don’t want to be at work or at least not this work that I’m doing right now. Last night I finished decorating for Halloween (yes I know it is in a week) and you know what I ENJOYED IT!!! I love decorating my house being creative. I miss not taking the time to be creative. And I need to take them time to be that. I read an article in the Parade this past Sunday about how people are reverting back to handmade crafts and having a creative outlet. I need to tape back into that. Problem is I have so many things I like to do that I just can’t narrow it down to just one. But I think I need to react to this outlet of creativity. I need to react to things I enjoy and let the rest fall to the way side……

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