Thursday, November 14, 2013

The scale rocked my world today

Things fell apart when I lost weight 5 years ago. I let the world around me take over. I forgot who I was, where I came from, who loved me. I fell hard. I almost lost everything. Since then it has been a constant struggle with my relationships, with myself. I’m scared. I quickly gained weight back that very year I hit my goal weight. I’m not quite sure how much weight but I’m pretty sure at least 20 pounds, the next year 10 more and the next, well you get the picture. And now 5 years later, I’m back to what I started out at 6 years ago when I started that journey. Sure I’ve tried to lose that weight every year. I start out with great ambition, knowing I’ve lost before, believing that I will be able to do again. I get about 10-15 pounds in, I hit the magical number of 180 (give or take a pound or two) and then I hit a brick wall. It’s almost like my body knows and it puts the brakes on like a screeching train going over the tracks.
Today I stepped on the scale, 211. My head started screaming, my heart broke and even now as I sit to write this tears threaten to come pouring out. Clothes don’t fit or those that I can actually squeeze into bulge, and squeeze in places I don’t like. I sent a text to my hubby 

                Me: “I officially cannot fit into any of my pants”
                Hubby: “I am sorry. I have faith u will get thru it”

But instead of wallowing too much I have picked myself back up. I reached for my “Made to Crave Devotional” and started reading again. I had left off around Day 6 last month. So I’m going to do a brief “catch-up” and continue forward.  I obviously need more help with this than I have in the past and not from just a trainer either.  I’ve never really thought of Jesus helping me through this but why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he wants what is best for me? May be I am still holding onto all of this and that if I just let it go and let it be…..things will work.

So here is a recap (This is from the Made to Crave 60 Day Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst

Unsettled – oh I feel so unsettled right now. I feel like everything is out of control. But allowing His touch to reach the deepest parts of me…..Goodbye to my remnants, my justifications, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am….nor who I was created to be.

What if I let God down? – When I don’t have peace physically, I don’t have peace spiritually. I can’t separate the two. Nor should I……never thought of it this way before. I have always thought of them to be two separate entities not related, one not having anything to do with the next. 

The Right Questions – Define ourselves by our obedience not a number on the scale. We are never supposed to get should satisfaction from our looks. Our looks are temporary; if we hitch our souls to this fleeting pursuit, we’ll quickly become disillusioned.

Consider It – “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds” James 1:2 Every time we face this moment of temptation, or we are tempted to stray from the commitment to make healthier choices, it’s a trail. We must consider it! Our feelings may be a true indicator of what we are facing, but they don’t need to dictate our decisions.

Blessings Ahead – The path of perseverance. Perseverance means having an urgency, firmness, resolve, and consistency. Protection – this trail may be shielding me from something in the future that I may not see: provision – God is providing me with many things I never expected to come from a trail; process- making lasting changes is a process. Gaining truth – and this a biggy….gaining truth of who I am in Christ and how I am made for more than this constant, self-defeating struggle.

It’s All in the Family – We are only one good choice away from being back on the path of perseverance. God’s love never fails, nothing can separate us from God’s love, love is patient, and God’s love is not based on our performance. Food equals love, comfort and peace but food cannot love back. How true that statement is. I find myself turning to food for comfort, for love, for peace in times of tribulation. But it is only temporary and soon turns to remorse or regret because I know what those chips and queso will do. 

I’m going to pick back up now and try to write a little something every day about this journey…..hope you can join along with me.

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