Thursday, July 26, 2012

Searching......don't we all?

I often wonder will I ever get it right. Will I ever stop searching? Searching…searching…searching for something more. I mean come on, who didn’t when they were younger search for freedom from your parents. You didn’t realize how well you actually had it until you were out on your own. Searching for the right man, searching for the right job, the right house, continuously searching for something, someone. Then at some point in your life you might give up for a while or even after you search for something you decide you don’t deserve it. Or you settle for something less than perfect. Don’t we all?
My head is spinning today.
I have a long for simplicity in a world that is so chaotic, including my own life. We live in constant chaos it seems. Drama, drama, drama. But do we make the drama, probably. I’ve gone down this road before, wanting to simplify as much as possible in my life. I will go on a non-buying spree, making do with what I have. Now don’t get me wrong, I have plenty. There is nothing wanting on my end….well may be a new pair of shoes or too? Don’t we all though? The non-buying I’m talking about is no eating out, no Starbucks (Love me some chai tea), even meals are basic no frills. And then…..I say screw it and go buy me a Venti Non-Fat Chai Latte.
Do you ever wish you could walk away from this life to something you dream of?
I dream of a farm, a farm house with a wraparound porch, a small town (I mean small-wherever one knows you name). Movies like Baby Boom, Field of Dreams entice me. My hubby’s town where he grew up is intriguing….. Could we, would we walk away from our jobs to run a farm/ranch? Crazy?
So am I silly for wanting something that will probably happen? Am I silly for thinking that if we moved to a farm that life would be so much better? Problems will follow wherever you are or new ones will creep up. But it is the simplistic lifestyle of being on your own land, of being in a small town, of all of it that I long for. Don’t get me wrong I know farming is hard. But there is something appealing to it.
I have plans, I have dreams.
I make lists. I should prioritize them. I get too many projects started and then get frustrated because they don’t get finished fast enough. I should be more patient but I have a vision in my head and I want the end result. Don’t we all? We want that end result. Something tangible that I can say, hey I did that. May be that is why I run. I can train, complete and race and say see look at my bling! You would think I would think the same way about weight loss but alas I don’t. I get frustrated and more often than not give up. Unless of course there is some type of contest related to it. I know better. I’ve lost weight on more than one occasion. I love to eat good food though. Don’t we all?

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