Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Turning a feeling of failure into an Opportunity

I’m not doing so good in the take an opportunity category. Day 2 and I feel like a failure already. I woke up with a sense of “I’m going to conquer” the day and although the day isn’t quite over, I have made a few mistakes. You see about five years ago I lost about 50 pounds. And since those five years, I have almost gained every pound back. Today I’m the closest to it I have ever been. I’ve been asking myself, when is enough going to be enough. I’ve done this once or twice before. I know what it takes. Weight lifting/working out has been a passion of mine that I always return to and have for a long time…. say almost 20 years worth, geez. Almost 20 years ago around this time of year would have been the first time that I got serious about my weight loss. See may be this is an opportunity. Let’s see where this takes us shall we. The year is 1994. I’m stationed in Germany at Spangdahlem Air Base as an Airman First Class, 81st Fighter Squadron, working in the tool crib instead of out on the flight line. Married to a jerk, whom we won’t mention because that is a whole other post. We had just returned from coming stateside on vacation. I was overweight (I really don’t remember what I weighed), depressed, etc. I started working out at the base gym, taking step aerobics and working with a personal trainer who just happened to be the step instructor. I worked out probably 1-2 hours almost every day…..watched what I ate, etc. I befriended my trainer and a two other women in the same boat as I. By the following spring I had lost weight, again I don’t remember what I weighed, but I remember people telling me I had. I remember buying new clothes. By the fall of 1995, I looked goooooood! I gained confidence that I had let my soon to be ex-husband rob me of. By the winter of 1995, I was probably the smallest I have ever been (circa high school) lifted weights, taught step aerobics, danced and just enjoyed life. By the spring of 1996, I was separated from soon to be ex-husband all the while maintaining my weight. I even competed in a body building competition in the fall of 1996. Time marched on got divorced, fall in love with hubby, got engaged, moved back to the states, got married. All the while maintaining my weight, working out here and there. And then I had baby #1. From then on it has been a constant struggle. A constant yo-yo of the scale. Last year about this time I was hovering around the 200s and managed to drop back down to 190s. Up and down. Like an escalator that has no stopping point.It took me almost 8 years from baby #1 to put up the fight. I don’t want to wait another 8 years. So this morning I jumped on the scale, I’m at 206 pounds. 5 years ago I was 160. But I took the opportunity not to let the scale define me. Not to let me clothes define me. Not to let the way other women look at me (or judge me…..even if they don’t that’s the way I feel) define me. So I started my day. After I drop the kiddos off at school I stop for coffee. I even turned today like I was going to stop a Starbucks’ because I needed a Chai Latte, I needed the creaminess, the warmth, the yumminess. But at the intersection I turned and headed to Oncue (gas station here in Oklahoma) and got a regular coffee. Two high fives for that one….because it cost less and not as many calories. I even ate the greek yogurt I brought. I was going to seize the opportunity of weighing more than I should to jump start my weight loss. Then lunch time came. Panera happened and let’s just say I’ve ate my fair share of carbs today. And now as I sit drinking my green tea kicking myself for the shortbread pumpkin cookie, the baguette and the mac-n-cheese, I still feel like seizing the opportunity to get it in gear. This is not me and I know it. I have let excuses and situations dictate what I do with me. I have let a craving smother my will power. And instead of turning to God at those times of sadness, stress, desperation…..I have turned toward Dr Pepper, Chai Lattes, Mac-n-Cheese, Queso and Chips, even alcohol (I like me some wine). I have made excuses not to run, not to get on the elliptical and even not to lift. I don’t need a book to follow, no I could probably write one. I know what needs to be done. So I give myself this challenge, this opportunity to stand up for myself again. To lose 50 pounds in 8 months. That is approximately 5 pounds per month. Very doable, I’ve done it before remember. I’ve never been a quitter. In fact I’m usually a pretty determined woman. That is what my hubby fell in love with. And By George I think I will seize the opportunity to be determined again.

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