I am who I am.......so kiss it society!

Show up as you are not as you think you ought to be…I read this somewhere I don’t remember. So I apologize if you are reading this and I “borrowed” it from you. How many of us struggle with this concept? The just “ifs” in life. “If I had done so and so then I would be a” or “if I would just lose weight I could”…..you know who you are. I don’t think there is a single person out there that hasn’t said this before. Hmm, raise your hand I know you have! I know I sure have almost each and every day. Well may be not every day but probably pretty close to that. Especially right now as I struggle with weight gain again. “If I would just lose “x” pounds then I would be so happy”. Would I? I’m not so sure any more. I mean what would I gain? My hubby loves me for who I am now, today at this very moment. Believe me, I ask him ALL THE TIME! And his answer “more than you know”. That’s probably true. My kids love their Mama unconditionally. My God loves me, this I know. Side note, that song will be in your head all day now, you’re welcome. My real friends except me for who I am and those that judge me, well I don’t need that criticism in my life so who cares. But I do, you know I do. I am who I am at this moment. Aren’t we supposed to live in the moment? At least I try to, I want to. I remember when I was dating this guy back in high school. We dated for like 2 years or so. Anyway, I remember on a walk one night he said, “I think you are a homely beautiful”. What exactly does that mean? I don’t know why I remember that. By definition homely means lacking in physical attractiveness; not beautiful; unattractive: a homely child; not having elegance, refinement, or cultivation; proper or suited to the home or to ordinary domestic life; plain; unpretentious: homely food: commonly seen or known (www.dictionary.com). Geez, what a terrific guy right? Anyway, I don’t think he quite meant it that way. May be I’m not the most elegant, refined, cultivated woman out there in this highly cultivated overrated world but I beat I have my strengths that make me beautiful in other ways right? Why does our culture raise us makes us believe that we have to have the outward appearance to be beautiful. Why do people look at you and judge you simply on your outward appearance without knowing one iota about you? Such a struggle for so many. But I’m tired of living by current society standards. You know there are standards. You have to live in a certain place, have a certain job, etc etc…..If you weren’t popular in high school chances are you won’t be popular in life now. Right? I call shenanigans on that. I might not live in an expensive house by hearing last night from a teenage girl that “my home was welcoming” made all the hard work that we have put into it worth it. I am who I am at this moment but it doesn’t mean I can’t change, I can’t improve. I always say there is room to improve. This philosophy can be applied to anything in life. I am changing, improving, in some areas more than others. And I will strive to continue to improve but I want it to be God’s doing not society. I want to live by his standards not those that society deems. And that my friends is a challenge on itself.

Scattered Brain Fool

Today I feel like a scattered brain fool. I cannot focus on anything at work. I don’t even want to be here. I want to be home taking care of my home. I just feel like I’m not supposed to be where I am right now. Some would say I’m crazy because I have a wonderful job and yes I do. There are a lot of “pros” to my job and I should be thankful that I do have income in a world that so many don’t. Be lately there has just been such a nagging feeling that won’t leave. I don’t dread to come to work but I’m not the same as I once was here. May be it’s that time of year I don’t know. I can’t believe we are already half way through September. Geez! Would the world please slow down. Then again maybe that’s the lesson that I need to slow down, that our family needs to slow down. Life seems so overwhelming at times. There is so much to do so little time, so many things that I have an interest in. How do you or can you fit it all in? Some would say, why don’t you prioritize? What is important to you? Things of importance seem to change like the seasons don’t you think? I used to think that the most important thing was my running and working out. Although it is important and it has fallen to the way side, I just don’t have the passion to get out there and run a marathon (done that twice) or even run for long distances at all. Most of my friends are training for their next race, signing up for the next race, making plans for that next race. And yet I find myself going, eh. All of working out has fallen to the way side. And it has been at the expense of my weight. I’ve gained. I’m back over 200 pounds, not much over but enough were I don’t like it. This needs to change. But where do I fit it in? Our family life seems to revolve around our kids, more like Emily. I couldn’t image if Elliott would have played sports. Uuuweee buddy. I need to prioritize working out for me though. It makes me feel better. Here are things that are important to me or things that have been on my mind. The first three are in priority order the remaining are just there for the most part. 1. Developing my relationship with Jesus 2. My husband 3. My kids 4. Working on the House 5. Living Simply 6. Reading 7. Other Hobbies 8. Friends 9. Working Out 10. Volunteering Why do I have such a sense of wanting to be home? Why can’t I concentrate on work? UGH!

If time wouldn't fly by.........

Time, you know as it runs through the hour glass so is the days of our lives……yep. In a nutshell, time has gotten away from me. I have blinked and it is now almost the middle of September. Where did it go? Whew, my head is in a tailspin trying to remember what all has gone on since the last time I was on. Okay so I posted at the beginning of August but haven’t since then and prior to that it was March so yea you can add inconsistent to it too. Anyways, school has started again. Another season of change too, we have a high schooler! I still can’t believe it especially when I was sitting the in football stadium last Friday night watching her march onto the field with the field. It doesn’t seem possible that just yesterday she was running around following her Daddy with her bottle hanging out of her mouth, crawling under the truck with him to help. And now, well she is turning into a beautiful young lady. Of course we can’t forget the little bat now a second grader. Somewhere over the summer he transitioned from a little baby to a boy. Stinkiness aside, he truly is a character. His melt downs break my heart especially since he is realizing more and more that he just thinks and behaves differently than most, some good and some bad, but he knows. And I don’t always know what to say to him. But we are getting new help and I think over time we will be able to help him with the tools he needs to be successful. And with the season comes a new thought on my heart. Not really heaviness or a burden, just one of those nagging thoughts that consume you. Makes you research everything there is, try to find every possible solution. You try to ignore it at the start then it just keeps creeping in and there in front of you are those God times that remind you that hey, you might want to pay attention. Well it is happening, and dare I say once again. Off and on for the past several years, since 2009 to be exact, I have felt the need to simplify my life, everything. I’ve made an attempt here and there but not much as stuck. I’m not even really sure where this has all come about again. But I feel the need to pay off debt, save money, live simpler and most important switch “jobs”. I work full time at the present and I feel a longing to be home instead. Now some of you would go, but your kids are both in school. Yep, I know this. And it has been suggested to go down to part time. I want to be there when they are done with their day, not two hours later. I want to take care of my house properly. I just want to take care of my family better. Life is too short. And I think Emily needs me more now than she has in a long time. She confirmed that the other night when asked what she thought about me staying home. Her response “I would like it.” And Elliott, he is a homebody so I’m sure he would love it. With that spawns another thought which is to homeschool him. Especially if I don’t get the results from school that I want. But that is a whole another subject. So with all of these thoughts some that I’ve ignored or half attempted comes the start of a plan. To either one quit all together or go part time. Of course I would love to work part time, it would help financially but there are the summers to think about. I love to have goals, rather they seem loft or not. My goal is give myself until May to continue working and make the decision then. Of course I will know earlier than that if I can out right quit but I give myself to May. So what does that mean? Tune in to find out………

Remembering Who I am.......my very best

“Remember who you are”….those are the words I tell her every time she leaves for camp or walks another milestone. Remember. Like Mufasa and Simba in the Lion King, corny but I speak it from my heart. Remembering who you are is a constant struggle for anyone let alone a teenager. I still struggle. I’m struggling and I don’t know why. I can feel it just a creppin’ in from the dark outer edges that I try to ignore. Today I start over. Today I start remembering who I am. I’m picking up a devotional again, “Made to Crave”. I’m going to re-read the book and do the devotional. Giving myself a 60 day reset. I feel emptiness and I know Jim is struggling too. We haven’t been to church partly because I haven’t been going, I’ve been running and partly because we have no Sunday school class. So we don’t feel like we belong anywhere. But now Emily doesn’t even feel like going and that isn’t good. I’m not sure why, she won’t talk about it. She will in time. Day 1: “Goodbye to shallow efforts, self-focus, and suspicious fears that I’ll never find victory in this area of my life.” Am I shallow? I know I can be self-focused sometimes. I try not to be but as I take a step back and think of how I think of myself, the comments that I not only say out loud but in my head. I feel like a failure because I’ve gained weight. Yet I’m very successful at work and at home. I feel like a big fatty pants but I have many people that see beyond my weight and just see me. I’m tired of this vicious cycle I cause to myself. I’m my happiest when I’m in the gym lifting weights and I’m at my happiness when I’m running. Let’s face it, I’m at my happiest when I’m moving my body, except for swimming but really its therapeutic so yes I’m even happy swimming. When I’m not happy I’m comparing myself to others, I’m beating myself up because I haven’t reached a goal or I feel I don’t measure up to someone else. When I’m not happy I’ve deprived myself of all foods and drinks that I love. I’m not willing to let some food items go or the ability not to enjoy food or drink. Life is too short. Yes I do need to be healthy and yes I can stand to lose about 30-35 pounds. But I’m not going to be unhappy getting there or maintaining it. I’m done comparing myself to the skinny chick that can run sub 7:00 minute miles……I may never be that. But I can decide to be happy at the fact that I can out lift many of those skinny chicks. That at one time I could bench her and definitely squat her. And that my friend is what I will keep in mind. “The Best way to pay for a lovely moment, is to enjoy it” – Richard Bach. Not every moment is lovely, but there is something lovely in every moment. Live up to your greatness by giving your very best. So that is what I will do, each and every moment. Give my very best.

Fraudulant Feelings.....

I wrote this a while back and never hit publish.......

So yesterday I felt nervous, anxious and so much like a fraud. Last night I started leading a women’s group at church, again. I’ve done this before heck I’ve even lead the same material before. But I knew the group was going to be larger. And I hold a lot of these women in a high regard. Putting them on a pedestal that they are better than me or at least their Christian walk is so better than mine, or at least that is what it seems to me.

And there I was leading a group of women that sit on a pedestal and I looked at me, some lowly, frumpy woman that has been on this weight loss roller coaster so many times I almost lose track of which diet or workout plan seemed to work and just why was I leading a group of women regarding this when I can’t even stick to it. I felt fraudulent.

It’s not that I don’t know what to do to lose weight, I probably know more than some. But everywhere you turn, its try this try that, do this do that. You read stories of inspiration of people that followed this program and was able to drop huge amounts of weight. Well I must have found it. I’m almost back up to where I was 6 years ago. Why did I let myself come to this once again?

I was feeling this way then I went home. And my hubby met me at the door with a huge kiss, smelling all yummy and delicious. It’s like he knew I needed reassurance that I was still beautiful, sexy and wanted. Then prior to class starting my dear friend prayed with me. She knew I was apprehensive without me saying a word. And her prayer was beautiful and made me feel even better.

And you know what, the women that came together last night are wonderful, each and every one of them. New faces I haven’t got to know and some familiar faces as well. Last night went well. I need to plan just a little more to know which questions we want to go over rather than stumbling through it. I’m looking forward to re-reading the book and seeing the videos again. Discussion went well because everyone participated and I haven’t had that in a long time.

What I walked away from is this…..for the first time I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel like I was being evaluated to see what I was and wasn’t doing or should be doing.

In the zone......

“I knew you were in the zone” said my friend at Sunday’s half marathon race. I was in the zone… the danger zone, no parking zone, no crying zone….”the zone”. That running zone where everything feels good and suddenly you have nothing to worry about you just let your feet do the running. Your body takes over and runs you at the pace it wants to go. You might last 2 minutes you might last 2 miles. But for those moments you are in “the zone”.

The race a great one and even though I have no medal to prove it (yes they ran out of medals) I’m still excited over the results. I PR’d by like 15 minutes. Wow, I know right? To some that means nothing but there are those people who understand what that means. I started this year training for another marathon. Yes I know at the 20 miles mark in November I said I wasn’t going to do it again but the challenge inside me was sparked. I’m addicted to endurance races, whether it be a triathlon or marathon. I like seeing how far I go. I find it ironic that when I first started this journey five years ago I thought a 5K was undoable. And now I can go for an 8 mile run without thinking anything about it. I crave to run. Now if I could just crave to eat healthier things would be rosy.

So what now….well I’m even more determined to continue running this year especially beyond the marathon distance, I have two planned. I would like to try an ultra. I’ve dabbled a little in trail running and I would like to try an official race. But in order to do that I know I have to tighten up on my eating and how I take care of myself. I want to do this “smartly” if I can. Because people with my addiction often are nuts to begin with and I am no exception to it but I still think there is a smart way and a not so smart way.

I feel excited about the prospect of trying something new, of getting a grip with my eating by focusing on the goal at hand rather on the deprivation that may occur. Even with our crazy life it seems easy for me to have this running hobby, this goal of longer distances. I know our life is going to become even crazier with the big kid entering high school but you know with a little planning and creativity I know it can be done. Well it just has to be done for my mental sanity and for the safety of others.

So you could say I’m in the zone……

I just wish.....

I wish I was home right now drinking hot tea or coffee and reading a book on the couch under one of many fleece blankets I have…..

I wish I didn’t have to work full time everyday….

I wish I had direction…..sometimes I feel so lost or out of control……

I wish I was the soft spoken person who keeps to themselves…..I’m so not that person. I’m harsh.

I wish I could go on vacation with my hubby for our 15 wedding anniversary…….

I wish we could back to Europe, mainly Italy, for our anniversary……

I wish I could be more apt to stay with my healthy eating plan…..

I wish I didn’t compare myself to others…..

I wish I was as strong as I seem at times……

I wish I was doing what I was intended to do…..

I wish I knew what I was intended to do………

I wish I could get up in the morning with Jim and stay up…..

I wish……..I just wish sometimes…….